Ana's Private Chambers

7:17pm: Anna's steps to wellbeing
1. Get enough restorative sleep every night.
1a. Stick to bedtime.
1b. Turn off computers, TV.
1c. Use blindfold (buy one!)
1d. Use "silky" - Always have available!

2. Make more social contacts.
2a. Go to meetings, munches, club events.
2b. Let people see the REAL Anna. Socialize freely and openly. If you stay shy and quiet they will only think you're snobby.
2c. Remember that if someone doesn't like you, it's not a reflection on me, it's a reflection on them.
2d. Do not hesitate to ask people how they feel about me or to clarify their reactions. Do NOT rely on your interpretations.

3. Get more touch.
3a. Seek out more touch! Touch people on purpose.
3b. It is NOT weird. People will NOT shy away.

4. Don't forget to practice relaxation techniques when feeling anxiety.
4a. Deep, even breaths.
4b. Count.
4c. Seek out validation, clarification, support, or comfort from nearest person. Do NOT stop to consider if you might inconvenience them.

5. Make sure you eat on a regular schedule. Low blood sugar exacerbates emotional turmoil.
5a. Buy breakfast food to eat at home or in the car.
5b. Work will NOT mind if you take a break to eat lunch. They WILL mind if you fall asleep because your blood sugar is too low.

6. Take care of yourself!
6a. Treat pain! Take ibuprofen!
6b. Use your neck tension implements daily!
6c. Your physical health is priority number 1 over work, schoolwork, emotional work. Physical health needs immediate attention.

7. Ask for help.
7a. Family is willing to help when life gets stressful. Ask for help with chores or tasks.
7b. Family loves you and wants the best for you. They will help justify or debunk your interpretations.
7c. Family will undoubtedly give comfort.

Most of all: You can't do it all yourself. Humans are social creatures for a reason!

12:32am: Discussion: Fat-admirers/chubby-chasers
I recently joined a forum focused on the love of BBW. It's a really active site with lots of lovely women and appreciative but respectful men. In the forum meant for ladies to discuss topics unique to a woman's experience someone started a discussion about opinions regarding self-proclaimed fat admirers and fetishists. I thought my reply would be a good post to share here.


I've encountered both types: admirers and fetishists.

I don't like when someone ignores the special little things about my body and my personality that make me unique and focuses on my fat alone. I've noticed that fetishists are typically rather disrespectful. We are simply objects to such men. Nothing more than a tool for release. I definitely don't want to be a value-less object to someone.

That being said, I've met quite a few men who are self-proclaimed admirers who just find plumper women more attractive than skinny women. They still see me as a person with other unique, beautiful, attractive qualities. These are the kinds of men I want in my life.

12:58am: Inspiration comes in many forms
The boi and I saw Julie & Julia tonight, and I have to say I'm inspired. I've never much cared for Julia Child's style, at least what I'd seen of it thus far. I can't say that I'm in any hurry to watch all the TV material and make every one of her recipes either. The movie wasn't about Julia Child's style though. It was about love, particularly the love of food and a life's passion.

I've been feeling rather lost since... oh forever. Mainly since I graduated, I'd guess. There's a long list of things I like doing, and things I should do; however, few, if not none, are very fulfilling or profitable. In my narrow-minded opinion anyway. I guess with a world full of so many great, successful, people doing so many great, valuable things, I feel teeny. I'm not sure how I can make an impact. I have a sense of my purpose, or passion, in life. As in, eventually. But I don't know how to get there. I don't know what route I should take. I don't know WHAT I want to be when I grow up. I just know who I want to be. I know I want to be some influence in changing society's approach to love, sex, and all things relational.

Perhaps I'm approaching this the wrong way. In fact, I know I am. I should just do whatever makes me happy. I should do what makes me feel GOOD about myself. How am I to know how big or small of impact I will have on anyone? With time, wisdom, experience, the right path will reveal itself. I just need to get *out* and quit worrying so much. Julia Child found her calling in her 40's (so said the movie, I haven't checked the facts, it's true) and so did Sue Johanson (my idol!). I'm still relatively young.

My mom had huge aspirations in her 20's to be an architect. Pretty big deal for a woman to be a draftsman and then an architect in the 1970's. Her life, the world, led her in a different direction. And she's fine with that. She's happy with her life. How many people can say that? There's a developmental stage in the psych textbooks that is focused on the tendency to review one's life thus far and wonder, "have I done anything valuable with my life?" Usually falls around the 40's-60's, if I remember correctly. I realize now that I've lived in fear of that stage, because I'm fairly certain I'll get there and say "No." Self-fulflilling prophecy. If I live frozen in fear, how am I ever supposed to DO anything?

I have a list going of my ideas, for business and for pleasure, possible business. Things that I would LOVE to be able to do, but just have no concept of how easy (or hard) they would be to do. Day in and day out I've sat here searching clerk jobs that pay half as much as I need thinking "there's so much competition, how do I ever expect to find a good job. And even then I won't be happy!" Then I think about the list of things I'd LOVE to do, but I'm not sure HOW to do them. So I don't. Because somehow the oppressive unemployment environment will be easier to traverse.

This is the end of that sort of thinking. adric has encouraged me to research these ideas. I could even do all of them all at once! And so I will.

10:30pm: Retail therapy makes everything better!
Did some great shopping this weekend at the local market and at a local lingerie boutique. Picked up some awesome pieces for cheap and got a couple new basic bras. Apparently since I started wearing bras regularly a couple years ago I've gained a cup size by relocating my breast tissue to the front of my body.

I've recently picked up the interest/hobby/habit of baking. My family and I have enjoyed 2 loaves of sourdough so far and there's a third rising in the oven right now. I would love to make fresh pies with fresh, local berries and apples and peaches! Mom was never much of a baker, so she doesn't have very many supplies. I found some nice deals on Amazon.com this week and they were having a 4-for-3 deal, so I ended up getting a couple of items free! Check out my list:

* 1 of: Norpro Silicone Pie Crust Shield
* 1 of: Oxo Good Grips Soft Measuring Cups, Set of 7, Black
* 1 of: Vic Firth French Rolling Pin
* 1 of: Norpro Nonstick Pie Crust Pan With Shield
* 1 of: Nordic Ware Leakproof Springform Pan 9 Inch
* 1 of: Calphalon Utensils Wood Medium Spoon
* 1 of: Wilton Excelle Elite 3-Tier Cooling Rack
* 1 of: Calphalon Utensils Wood Large Spoon

Can't wait til they get here! Yummy pie! Yummy cookies! Yummy artisan breads! Yummy cheesecake! My poor diabetic Mom...

1:26pm: If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

(Guys and girls, you know it's true...)

Edit: Stolen from anewdaysjourney, thanks for the inspiring post hon!

2:48pm: Growing up is hard to do
After some emotional turmoil the last few days I've come to realize that I need to accept and embrace my control freak nature. So often I quibble about coming off as bitchy or mean to other people when I want to take control of a situation or circumstance. I'm FAR more comfortable when I'm in control and can make the majority of the important decisions. I know when to back down to authority of course, but there's no reason I can't be assertive and step up. Being decisive and a good leader is a Good quality after all, and I need to embrace it. For too long I've fought the urge to take control and then when I can't stand it any longer I DO turn into a bitch and just do it, being resentful the whole time and expressing a nasty attitude. If I'd just step up and handle it from the beginning rather than waiting and worrying I wouldn't HAVE a nasty attitude and everything would (usually, hopefully) go smoothly. It's all about turning my faults into strengths through confidence and self control.

11:53pm: Emo moment
Thursdays have been, and will continue to be, in the foreseeable future, Emo Day.

I guess they land far enough between the short list of remaining good things about my life that I become disgusted with myself and my life by the end of Thursday each week.

No job... no hope of a job... no experience to maybe land a well paying job using my degree... not enough experience to even land a shit-paying part time internship using my degree, no schoolwork, no money to do the workshops and special events that I want to, no confidence in myself or my skills to volunteer, no friends of my own, an unhealthy diet and lifestyle, depressed and emotionally unstable pets, a mostly worthless WoW character and inability to lead as a guild officer (and steadily decreasing interest in the game in the first place).

I have absolutely no energy or interest or motivation to do any of the shit I should.

I can feel myself spiraling into the deep abyss of another depression. And I hate myself for it.

The worst of it all is the self hatred.

I'm soooo tired..... I know what I need to do to pull myself out of this..... but the majority of myself doesn't want to do it. I'm too tired to do it. I've always been too tired or too poor to do what I REALLY want. I'm sick and tired of it. Of everything.

Would somebody please stop this life and let me off already?

11:38am: As stolen from a dear friend.
In an effort to make more real connections with people...

From here, there, and everywhere:

The problem with LJ: we all think we are so close, but really, we know nothing about each other. So I want you to ask me something you think you should know about me. Something that should be obvious, but you have no idea about. Ask away. Then post this in your LJ and find out what people don't know about you!

5:38pm: Emotional ramblings... feel free to skip
I don't like who I am. More correctly, I don't like where I am and what I am doing. I need more intimacy in my life. I would be so much happier with emotionally intimate and vulnerable connections to my friends and loved ones. My current social circle doesn't seem to include this particular trait or preference on their priority lists. Not at all. At least it doesn't seem like it to me. Please feel free to correct me if I'm misguided somehow.

I need a different (additional) social circle who encourages and thrives on intimate, emotional, energetic connections. Give and take of attention and creative energy freely. Where do I find such a thing? I'm stuck in the snobby suburbs of Atlanta Ga. I'm sure there's groups like this in the more liberated neighborhoods of Atlanta, but how do I find them, and gain acceptance? I don't have the money to attend workshops and classes on the topics that interest me (such as tantra, bellydance, yoga, or healthful cooking). I also don't have the money, time or energy to drive to Atlanta multiple times a week. Worst of all, I don't feel like I have the communication skills or the experience to add any wisdom or insight, which upsets me.

I don't know what I need to do to change my life.

I wish I had more confidence in myself.

I wish I knew how to stop giving away my energy and focus.

As I told a dear friend just now: I crave emotional intimacy and vulnerability, but I'm terrified of opening up and being vulnerable to a group of strangers in hopes of someone getting to know and be attracted to the real me.

20 minutes later... got distracted with family discussions about sustenance. Not sure what else to say. Maybe I'm over my emo moment. Maybe I'm just PMSing and I'll go back to being satisfied with what I've got whenever the bleeding finally starts and gets itself out of the way. Yea.

This has been my monthly emotional vent. Please move along.

7:25pm: Contemplation: Tantra
For many years I've been fascinated by and curious about tantra, the philosophies and the specific style of lovemaking. I've read a few books, talked with tantric practitioners and teachers, and I would love to learn the techniques and beliefs of tantra with more depth. I can do all the textbook reading in the world, but to truly experience Tantra I think I need a partner; that whole balance of masculine and feminine, you know? I haven't been fortunate enough to bump into a partner willing to learn and explore tantra with me just yet. I'm hoping this might change in the near future.

The interest and desire to explore this realm of sexuality has been sparked and fanned into a roaring flame here lately. Due to recent changes in lifestyle and time availability, I find myself feeling lonely and emotionally abandoned even though I have so much more time with friends and my primary lover now. It seems I've spent almost all of my time with my companions at a very superficial level, neglecting our deep sexual energies.

I came across this video series by Liberator.com, a manufacturer of foam shapes that aid in sexual posturing, that focuses on the tantric postures. Flipping through the videos reminded me of my natural energetic flow and clued me into the above realization. Hopefully the awareness and dedication to incorporate more of these techniques into my intimate moments will bring greater happiness and connectedness into my life.